


Please Don’t Actually Crush My Pelvis

by ClementinesChattel



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: And She’s LEARNING, Artificial Intelligence, Established Relationship, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Oral Sex, PWP, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Semi-Public Sex, Shameless Smut, profuse swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-08
Updated: 2020-05-08
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:40:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24076111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ClementinesChattel/pseuds/ClementinesChattel
Summary: Joker can’t say no to EDI. Especially not when she’s got that look in her eyes and an entire galaxy’s worth of knowledge on how to take him apart. If he wasn’t already hopelessly distracted by her presence in the cockpit before, he will never be able to look at his pilot’s chair again.Basically just some EDI/Joker porn, because why is there not more of that going around???
Relationships: EDI/Jeff "Joker" Moreau
Comments: 10
Kudos: 28





	Please Don’t Actually Crush My Pelvis

“Oh, my God. I’m so going to regret this.” Joker looked down between his legs at where EDI crouched on the balls of her feet. “I am absolutely going to regret this.  _ Shit, _ I’m already regretting this. You’re crazy, you know that, right?”

EDI smiled coyly up at him in the dim lighting and pushed her metallic hands up his clothed thighs, closer to his straining erection. “What I know, Jeff, is that you are enjoying this. Much more than you are letting on. As usual.” 

Her quicksilver smile always seemed to melt his higher brain functions. Joker closed his eyes and let his head drop back in an attempt to gain back some semblance of control of the situation. His head rested against the back of the chair. His chair. His  _ pilot’s _ chair. He let out a tortured groan. Why did he ever think it was a good idea to let EDI talk him into this?

He quickly turned around in his seat to double check the door to the cockpit. The door was closed, although that gave him little reassurance since there was no locking mechanism. He hoped EDI wouldn’t let them get caught, but she was mischievous on the best of days. Who knows, she might think it just a funny little learning experience to get caught  _ in flagrante. _ Dear God, he hoped no one got the sudden urge to check the cockpit after hours. He would never be able to live this down. 

Looking back, the soft glow of the emergency lights reflected gently off of EDI’s eyes as she held his gaze. She knew him well enough by now to know that as much as he protested, this kind of thing fired him up almost as much as flying. Fuck, he had a problem. A problem that only got bigger and harder the more he thought about where they were and what they were doing. He knew he was messed up for getting off on this and EDI, shit, she was just as bad as him. 

Indestructible polymer fingers gently dug in and started their path back up towards his belt and Joker let out a broken gasp. He wondered briefly when she managed to master looking so damn  _ wicked _ . Eyes bright, she set about undoing his button and fly, purposefully taking every movement as slow and controlled as she could get away with. 

EDI had been working him up for hours before this, teasing him incessantly when they had any moment alone together. Joker had been ready for anything, fast and, well not necessarily rough with his condition, but not this slow torture. He could feel every second they spent in the cockpit, another second he was bound to get caught. He closed his eyes helplessly and wondered if EDI would even stop if she saw anyone coming their way. 

Finally, EDI managed to release him from his cloth confines. The contrast of her slightly cool fingers against his hot cock had him throbbing into her hand, twitching towards her shamelessly. God, how he wanted to thrust into her fist. Experience had finally taught him that what was coming would be worth waiting for. EDI spared one last glance at him, checking his eyes for any hesitation, before leaning forward to lick a hot stripe from the base of his cock up towards the leaking slit. 

“Ohhh, God! _ EDI, _ ” Joker tried to stifle his involuntary reaction to her touch with a fist over his mouth, knowing it probably wouldn’t do him much good. He could feel EDI’s self satisfied smirk against the side of his cock as she continued to methodically press kisses up and down his length. He couldn’t understand how her lips were so soft. How some scientist somewhere perfected the resistance and give for each plush lip as she pressed against him. 

Joker felt like he was the one in danger of shorting out when her hot, wet mouth swallowed him down without preamble. Groaning his approval like a caveman, all he could do was look down at her helplessly. She knew what she looked like, what the sight of her sinking down did to him. Her perfectly plump lips stretched around his length, swallowing more than should be possible without a gag reflex. 

Giving up on stifling the litany of his encouragements, Joker moved his hands down to her face, one stroking a chrome cheek, the other parting her hair as he sank his fingers to her scalp. EDI hummed her satisfaction and set a slow and steady pace, sucking him hard as she rose her head up to the tip and dragging her tongue along his throbbing vein on the way down.

“Fuck, EDI!  _ Fuuck.  _ Shit, that’s so good. You’re so good.” 

The heat that had been burning low for hours turned into a blaze, consuming him with an overwhelming  _ need.  _ EDI could probably sense the change in his heart rate, could probably quantify every little change that showed how much he wanted her, needed her. She flicked her eyes up, meeting his gaze with her own, moaning shamelessly around his hard cock. 

“Oh, God,” Joker grit out, letting his head fall back, breaking away from the sight of her. He knew that look. He’d bet his life that EDI was recording him. Cataloguing and savoring his every reaction, learning from every twitch in his body. 

Fuck, it was too much. 

The wet, scorching heat around him was all he could focus on, anything more and he would surely combust.  She didn’t let up, she wouldn't. EDI was a force to be reckoned with, no matter the task she set for herself. She wrapped her tongue around him, dragging up along the sides and pushing into all the bundles of nerves along the way. When she had only his engorged tip in her mouth she flicked her tongue across his slit, dipped down around his foreskin and then lapped up the pre-cum leaking out at every pass.

Eyes closed and thighs shaking, Joker couldn’t stop the onslaught of sensation. She was taking him apart with each perfectly calibrated touch. How many calculations was she performing every nanosecond in order to render him such a mess? Joker didn’t want to imagine what he looked like to her. Clothed but trembling, barely muffling his cries for her mouth, all with the Normandy’s emergency lights flashing softly in the background. He knew he wouldn’t have to wonder for long. EDI delighted in watching him stammer and squirm as she showed him every sordid moment of her recordings.

Suddenly, the thought of EDI recording them here, in the cockpit,  _ in his pilot’s chair _ was overwhelming. He was close. Way too close. His hand on EDI’s head shook as he tried desperately not to thrust into her open, inviting mouth. 

“Ahh! Nngh— _ Shit! _ EDI, shit, I’m so close.”

She flicked her mechanical eyes up at him, glowing dimly in the darkened room. Slowly, she slipped off him entirely, trailing her tongue teasingly around his spit-slicked tip despite his weak protests. “Careful, Jeff. Someone could easily hear you, begging for me so loudly like that.”

To his immense shame, Joker moaned as he felt a surge of blood and heat rush through him, straight down to his bobbing cock, desperate and eager. Lightheaded and breathless, he could do little more than whisper her name, begging quietly for anything she deigned to give him. God, he didn’t even know it was possible, for such a being like EDI to exist. And for her to spend even a moment of her existence with him,  _ like this. _ He couldn’t even care that the galaxy was burning around him when she looked up into his eyes, playful and so fucking  _ devious. _

“ _ Fuck, _ EDI, please. Please, I’m so fucking close.”

The corner of her mouth quirked up, almost stiffly considering how fluidly she had taken him apart. “Since you asked me so nicely, Jeff.”

The sound of his name on her lips, the same lips currently sliding down his shaking length was everything. He couldn’t hold back everything that had been building up, pushing against every nerve ending and swamping his body with the need for release. EDI had learned how to read his body as quickly and effectively as she knew how to decimate their enemies. She knew exactly what he needed in order to push him over the edge. Swallowing him to the base, she ground the head of his dick against her synthetic throat and gently teased the soft outline of his balls, still encased in his boxers. Stuttering out a gasp, Joker felt the electric rush of adrenaline peaking. Its release tore through him as he grasped EDI’s shoulder, unable to stop himself from shooting down her throat. 

“EDI, that… that was incredible,” Joker whispered, the tension having finally fled his body, leaving him a boneless mess. Head hanging down to meet her gaze, he wished he could give her something more. Something more than a broken body and a burning galaxy. 

She could see the troubles cloud his face and smiled at him, “Jeff. Enjoy this. I can assure you that I did. Immensely.”

Joker couldn’t help the smile pulling at his tired face. God, how did the galaxy’s most advanced AI become such a…  _ deviant. _ “Yeah, yeah. I bet you’re just biding your time until I’m the one on my knees for you.”

The glint in her eyes told him everything he needed to know. “Why, Mr. Moreau, you should be careful. I would hate to accidentally neglect essential functions because you finally put that mouth of yours to good use.” 

Letting out a startled chuckle, Joker couldn’t help the warmth rising through him. He couldn’t believe how everything had come to this. He didn’t want to think about what had led them here, and he was afraid to think of what the future held. All he wanted was to soak up every moment with her, inundate his entire soul with only her playful smile. 

“What’s a little fun without some risk, right EDI?”

“Exactly my thoughts as well.”

**Author's Note:**

> I can’t actually believe I wrote this filth, but the world needs more EDI/Joker smut and I’m just the doing my part.


End file.
